You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
happy friday
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
all bases covered
