You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
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SPLOOT
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Eating for two.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*