Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

What if all the cashiers are married?