you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”