My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.