You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Body by sandwich.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.