You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
what does he know…
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want