You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.