You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster