You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
You Might Also Like
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide