You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
There is wisdom there.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly