You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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Isn’t
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
he’ll never suspect a thing
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
accurate
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.