You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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😂 amazing answer
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.