You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.