Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.