Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂