You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”