You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.


serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday


SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?


Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!


Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.


I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.