@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

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@theaaronone

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

@yazminda12

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@threetimedaddy

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

@UncleDuke1969

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@Tbone7219

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

@TheMichaelRock

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.