Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Creative Problem Solving

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*