You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.