Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

In case you needed to hear it:

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Birds & Planes.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.