@UncleDuke1969

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

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@simoncholland

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

@Mostly_Cheese

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

@LMHPhotog

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.

@jimmytorosian

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@jonnysun

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

@TySmithdrums

Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.