You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
o shit
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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