You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
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I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
“TGIM!” – My liver
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer