You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
the #horror is real!
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?