“you recording!?”
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Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…