“you recording!?”
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Check your privilege
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish