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My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
don’t we all
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days