[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
$4 #usedbooks
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?