Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.