Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”