You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
get you a girl who
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?