You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.