You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
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one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed