You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You Might Also Like
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.