“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….