Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

There’s no “u” in narcissist

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk