“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Always a metermaid never a meter
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.