Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

Just me?

*pronounces patio like ratio

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table