“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Only Americans understand
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
