“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Möther may I have a snäck
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
This kid is going places
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I’M CRYINGGG
