Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

My birthstone is kidney

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.