You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
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Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”