Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”