You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me