Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one last job

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.