You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead