You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains