You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You Might Also Like
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
He has no idea 🤡
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first