You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You Might Also Like
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Seek kebab; not attention
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.