Employees must applaud the planets.
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
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Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”
me when someone tries to get to know me
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
(I’m not deleting this)
When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”
Then walk away forever.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over