@gaddy_alex

“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..

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@tsm560

Just for kicks whenever I run into an old friend I haven’t seen in a while I greet them with “holy shit I thought you died.”

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

@funnybeachgirl

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.

@Mom_Overboard

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over