You saw nothing. I am ham.
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Risking my life for fun.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”