You saw nothing. I am ham.
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{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Bobby pin
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?