“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes