Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Look Ma, no handle on things

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.