Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Baller is short for ballerina

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

found my next D&D character name

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.