You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You Might Also Like
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.