You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You Might Also Like
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I am all good here, 😂😉
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “