Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grotesque if literal: baby food

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?

Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

🐟✨ #re4

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.