You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.