You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

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[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*


“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza


Whenever you’re mad at someone, just take a deep breath and count to 10. Those 10 seconds will give you time to think of the perfect insult.


Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?


My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


10: What does AF mean?

After Flossing. Now go brush your teeth and they will be clean AF.
Why do you ask?

10: Mom said you were lazy AF.


Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.


Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*