Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.