@DaHess1

You say drug dealer.

I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.

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@DanMentos

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@AndyJokedAgain

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

@copymama

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: [trying to be smooth] Did it hurt?

Her: Excuse me?

Me: When you fell from heaven?

Her: Dude, I’m just here to get my kids from school, like all these other parents.

Me: I may have misunderstood the term “pickup line.”

@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

@Divergentmama

“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@elle91

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

@TEXASVETERAN

I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.

@DiscoFruit

me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what