My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
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If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
not for long
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
File under excellent bookstore names.